By Steve Moran

It looks like my assisted living consumer adventure is winding down sooner than I expected or hoped for. Unfortunately it will land in the category of “failed experiment” (more about this in a subsequent article).

As I write this, today is the four-week mark since I moved my stepfather, Gary, from the hospital to senior living. It was a 100% necessary move, and I am grateful the community was willing to take him coming straight out of the hospital, still testing positive for COVID.

Everything Is a Hassle

It wasn’t until the morning of the move that he was evaluated by the community. After transferring him to the community, we sat to do the paperwork. I was informed that because he had some wandering behavior in the hospital, he would have to go into memory care, and they rated him as just below total care.

I argued against the level of care evaluation, and against memory care, because his wandering behavior was very specific to the hospital and his illness. I mostly won the level of care battle, but they wouldn’t budge on memory care.

We moved him into a very spartan room that reminded me of my freshman dorm. The heater control didn’t work, forcing me to bring in a space heater the first night (against the rules). The community-supplied TV came with two separate controllers for the TV (in memory care), which continues to baffle me.

The single biggest frustration is that to get things done — basic things, things that should have been done without asking — I have needed to make the request two or three times — the heater and TV being just two examples.

This past week we moved him from memory care to assisted living, and once again the TV was a problem. I was told I would need a community-supplied box and remote. We moved him in, and the box was not there. I asked again and was told it would be taken care of. I finally had to ask a third time before it was taken care of.

The Memory Care Move

It turns out they got the memory care decision right but for the wrong reasons. He was never a wandering risk — in fact, just the opposite: It has been extremely difficult to get him to leave his room. It was the right move because they have some amazing caregivers and med techs in memory care. They gave him a good amount of attention and were able to get him out to meals and some activities.

The problem with memory care is that the residents in memory care are simply a lot lower functioning, which made for a significant cognitive mismatch.

The Assisted Living Move

The assisted living move turned out to be a big undertaking — purchasing and assembling a bunch of new furniture, which took longer than expected. The community was great about us effectively occupying two units at the same time (though maybe I will get billed for both).

Assisted living as the end of the journey: The first day he moved to memory care, I stayed the entire day. I went to two activities, which he seemed to enjoy, and to meals. But without me there, urging him to get involved in activities, he goes to meals and seems to have no meaningful conversation, then goes back to his room. The only real assist he needs is with meds.

When asked if he wants to participate in an activity, he always says no. In memory care the staff put in the extra effort to strongly encourage him to participate. Not so in assisted living.

Is Home Better?

This is a question I am wrestling with. This also will need to be a standalone article, but a few thoughts: Everyone and every circumstance is different. In an ideal world, Gary would be better off with peers in a social/community setting, but he won’t socialize on his own.

I had an expectation that the community would do more to encourage involvement, but that has not happened, and maybe it is an unreasonable expectation.

More on this in a separate article.

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