By Steve Moran
When I listened to the voicemail message, my first thought was, “I don’t need this.” My second was … “Maybe I am really doing the wrong thing.”
It was from Paul, an old, old friend of my stepfather, Gary, who was calling to let me know that he was concerned that I had made a serious mistake putting Gary in a memory care community, or at least that community.
I Didn’t Want to Return the Call
I didn’t want to return the call, but figured that if I didn’t, it would make things worse. Paul answered on the second ring and proceeded to tell me that he had just finished talking to Gary and was quite concerned because he was stuck in this senior living community, and the staff was not talking to him, and he had no access to any of his friends.
He was concerned, based on what Gary was telling him, that I had abandoned him to some hellhole.
Incomplete, Inaccurate Picture
Paul knows full well that Gary’s cognitive decline is very real and significant, but in that snapshot moment, I am sure Gary sounded clearheaded and his frustration and anxiety were real. But the problem is that Gary’s perceptions, while real to him, were not accurate. I visit every day; he has another friend who had been there the day before. The staff are doing a pretty good job of interacting with him.
And Yet …
That call simply added to my guilt and second-guessing. I know logically that the guilt is misplaced … but it is real. I feel a touch of guilt every time he calls me and I don’t answer, and with him calling me 12-20 times a day, I simply cannot answer all of his calls.
His friend Paul is well-intentioned. He simply wants what is best for Gary. Ultimately we talked through what was going on, and the conversation ended well.
We Need to Talk About This
As a senior living leader you might be reading this and thinking, “Why are you writing about this? I already know and understand.” First, I know you know, but my biggest single lesson learned from moving Gary into memory care is how little was being done, is being done, to support me, the family caregiver, through this process.
They have done little to educate me, to check in to say, “How are things going?” It simply makes me like them less and trust them less. It makes it feel like what they see in me is a checkbook rather than a person, a whole family, who is being victimized by this terrible thing called dementia.
I can understand this from a community and family perspective. When I listened to a podcast that shared the family side and thoughts, it helped me change the conversation to families and what feelings/experiences they might go through as this move and change happens. If you were going to implement something in a community, what would you like to see happen? What would that support look like?